Q. My mom and I are very close, but I also have a close relationship with my bonus mom. She has been married to my father for 8 years. I was 12 when I met her. I’m 20 now. My mother accepts her, and if asked, she would deny any jealousy. But this one day, Mother’s Day, I notice a difference. If I mention anything about wanting to spend any time at all with my bonus mom, my mom bristles. She’s not like that most of the time, and I’m not sure how to handle it. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I’ve worked with thousands of families over the years and Mother’s Day, of all days, causes emotions to run the hottest. Even more than Christmas, Mother’s Day and possibly Father’s Day conjure up those “I’m the real parent” insecurities. One mother, years ago, said what many have quietly confided: “I share my kids every day of the year and I don’t mind. She’s very good to them. But give me just one day that I don’t have to share them.”

Truth be told, we all share our kids’ time and after a breakup, time with our kids seems even more precious. If our co-parent re-couples, sharing your child with another woman, someone who performs many of the same duties you do, seems to be what is behind the jealous feelings. Ah, the dangers of comparing.

Personally, I’m not jealous of my daughter’s bonus mom. As a matter of fact, since my daughter was her dad’s only child, I was extremely grateful they had each other when he died.

But the day they took a trip to New York, just the two of them, I did get a twinge of “Wait a minute,” when viewing an Instagram picture of them posing together. It was the realization that my daughter shared that sort of intimacy with another mother figure that gave me pause.

While viewing that picture, I felt a wave of contradicting emotions, from the first twinges of, well, jealousy to accepting that Jennifer (my daughter’s bonus mom) was a loving influence who never tried to take my place or undermine me. She forged a separate relationship with my daughter, and because of that, I never felt threatened. But I also never knew the intensity — until that Instagram picture. Then I had to practice what I preach.

I hope my explanation of my personal evolution helps you understand what your mom might be feeling. My suggestion, if it is truly difficult to share the day with both women, is to find another day for your bonus mom and make that your day to celebrate together. Perhaps the Sunday before Mother’s Day or even the Saturday before. Or another day, completely unrelated in another month, that you both choose — if you two feel that finding a day is important.

The key to all this, for both you and your mother is, don’t compare.

Keep the two relationships separate, respecting both women as individuals and for the role they fulfill in your life. They are not the same and there is no need to pretend that they are. Then you are free to love them both, each with the intensity that you see fit.

I’ve said it before: It’s never either/or in bonus families, it’s also. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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