Dear Kid Whisperer,

I lead an out-of-school program for elementary school students when schools are closed. We have a particular child who has been through family trauma and they bring anger and hostility into the group. We've tried various techniques with some success, but this child still becomes physically aggressive toward other kids, especially their siblings. We want to keep the child in the program, but it is becoming increasingly unsafe for everyone.

Answer: You’re asking the $65,000 question: How do we include a student with trauma in his own education, while teaching him to use positive behaviors that will lead him toward being able to live a happy, healthy life? In last week’s Part I, I promised to overview some of the most important Behavioral Leadership strategies and show you what that may look like in your out-of-school program.

Note, this is just an overview and not full Behavioral Leadership training.

The Most Important Strategy: Strategic Noticing

This very, very bizarre strategy involves doing the opposite of what might seem to make sense: waiting until students do something wrong in order to correct them. Instead, Behavioral Leadership involves noticing, and using the word “Notice” to do it, to give attention to behaviors they should be using instead of giving attention to students doing the wrong things.

The Alternative to Demands: Gentle Guidance Interventions

Do you like being told what to do? No? Neither do kids, especially kids who have experienced trauma. Instead, we use less invasive means of gently guiding them to more positive behaviors.

The Terminal Destination: Delayed Learning Opportunities

Great Behavioral Leadership teachers don’t have to do explicit teaching about positive behaviors because they prevent or mitigate at least 90% of these behaviors. However, when they do, they delay that learning until after instructional time ends. Then, they will treat a kid not knowing how to use a positive behavior as an opportunity for the student to learn, instead of an opportunity to cause arbitrary suffering with a punishment.

Here's how I could use all three strategies with your student. Let’s call her Kid #1.

Kid Whisperer: Good morning, Kid #1! Did you see the game last night?!!? Oh, man, what a game!! How’s your mom doing?

Kid #1 stares off, angrily, into space.

Kid Whisperer: I’m glad you are here, my friend. You know what to do.

Kid #1 walks further into the room, towards her brother, Kid #2.

Kid Whisperer: I notice you walking. (Kid Whisperer, smiling, stands between Kid #1 and Kid #2).

Kid #1, now with a person larger than her standing between herself and her potential target, scowls with disapproval as she moves away from her brother.

Kid Whisperer (whispering so that only Kid #1 can hear): Where should you be?

Kid #1 walks, not to her desk, but to the wall of the classroom where she begins to pick the paint off the wall.

Kid Whisperer: I notice Kid #24 is seated and working on his work. I notice Kid #18 is seated and already on question nine.

Kid Whisperer looks at Kid #1, who is still working on paint removal, with a Confused Eye, as if to say, “You are awesome. That behavior is less than awesome, so, therefore, I’m confused.” Kid #1 has now worked her way from paint to plaster.

Kid Whisperer (while moving about the room and then toward Kid #1): I noticed Kid #5 is seated. I noticed Kid #19 is already done with her work. (Now standing next to Kid #1, Kid Whisperer whisperers so that only Kid #1 can hear): What should you be doing? (Kid continues to mine for gold in the wall). Yikes. This is a tough one. I’ll help you learn about this later.

Later, during non-instructional time, Kid #1 will learn about how to use paint and drywall to fix the wall, since she broke the wall. First, she will absolutely refuse to do any such thing while using belligerent behaviors. Logistics will be arranged so that her non-instructional life will be put on hold until she solves the problem that she caused. This will teach the lesson of responsibility, and it will teach the lesson that becoming belligerent doesn’t get her out of trouble and it doesn’t get her what she wants. Without learning this lesson, Kid #1 is destined to experience a life of pain and suffering. Once this lesson is learned, the world begins to offer opportunities for achievement and happiness.

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