ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin, with whom my husband and I are very close, is getting married. Unfortunately, there are a few problems.

The initial issues included our limited finances, transportation troubles, the date of the event (a Thursday night) and the wedding's no-children-allowed rule. With the help of my parents, most of those issues were solved. However, due to various problems related to my husband's job, we've decided it's best he not attend.

I'm extremely concerned about the fallout from that decision. My cousin, usually an easygoing person, is already furious with several guests who have declined her invitation. Her rationale is that because she's borrowed over $20,000 to pay for her wedding, her more financially fortunate guests should help those struggling in the areas of gifts, transportation, hotel costs, childcare, elder care, etc. If the event will impact work responsibilities, guests must ensure adequate vacation time is set aside.

Most of my family members -- including my 83-year-old aunt in poor health, and my cousin with epilepsy and severe anxiety -- are attending. My mother has warned me that I'll have to prepare a strong argument for why my husband can't attend to ensure my relationship with my cousin survives.

Are there any etiquette rules that will help my case? Specifically, is there any valid excuse, besides severe illness, for not attending a close family member's wedding?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing like saying, "I put myself in debt to throw this extravagant party, so you better show up -- health and financial instability be damned!" to get you in the spirit for a family wedding.

Miss Manners will remind you that you do not need an excuse, and you do not have to give in to coercion. You just have to repeat the phrase, "I am afraid Curtis won't be able to attend, but he sends his love" as many times as possible until your cousin gets tired of asking.

Perhaps it will cause a rift. But judging from the list of other family members who are being subjected to tyranny, your husband will be in good company.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a boat, and needed to dry my beach towels after a recent excursion. The boat club has one washer and one dryer. When I got there, the dryer was available, although another boater had clothes in the washer.

At the end of the cycle, my towels weren't close to dry. I took them out and decided to come back later to finish drying them. I thought this was the best approach, since the user of the washing machine was there before me (and waiting in person to use the dryer).

Should I have gone ahead and put the dryer on another cycle, since I was using it first? Or was it appropriate to take my towels and come back later?

GENTLE READER: With the other boater waiting in person, Miss Manners understands why you decided to return later -- and finds it considerate.

But the purpose of the dryer is to dry things. As it failed to do so, it would not have been unreasonable for you to start another cycle to finish the task. You could have warned your loitering friend that they might have to do the same.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN