Don't Overthink The Fence
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought our current home about four years ago, although the house itself is about 20 years old. The backyard is surrounded by a standard wooden fence.
The condition of the wood suggests the fence has been there nearly as long as the house, and we think it desperately needs to be replaced. Two of our neighbors have fences that adjoin ours and which, based on condition, were built around the same time.
Even though it's our right to replace our fence, do we owe any consideration to the neighbors? After all, our shiny new fence will now be mixed with their well-worn ones surrounding their yards.
I don't want to imply that I'm asking their permission, because we intend to replace it regardless. But is it worth giving them a heads-up that we're having the work done? Is there a way to suggest the possibility of them also having their fences replaced without it sounding insulting?
I assume that having theirs replaced at the same time, by the same company, might save a little money -- as the workers and materials will already be on site -- but I'm not sure if this is worth bringing up. We have good relationships with all of the neighbors and don't want to create animosity or awkwardness where there isn't any.
GENTLE READER: When anyone wishes to express indignation about an unwelcome encroachment, the accepted metaphor is not, "Can you believe So-and-so was in my living room, uninvited, playing my piano?!"
The expression is, "Can you believe this was going on in my own backyard?!"
Miss Manners mentions this as a reminder that if you want to maintain good relations with the neighbors, you will absolutely have to be considerate, which means: giving notice of your plans; reassuring them that you are available to handle any unintended inconveniences that result; taking "no" for an answer to any suggestion that they consider redoing their own -- and spending less time thinking about what you have a right to do.
Fortunately, it is possible to do all of this without putting the central question up for debate. Tell them that you are planning to replace your fence and say that, while you have no idea if they were planning to redo theirs, if they are, you would be happy to see if using a single contractor would be a way for everyone to save money.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was working with an older woman and we hit it off very well. Her eyes were noticeably red, and my ophthalmologist had suggested an over-the-counter product for me that works beautifully and is safe to use.
I was tempted to tell her about it, but thought that it might be embarrassing for her if I mentioned her eyes.
Did I do the right thing by being silent, or did I miss an opportunity to do someone a favor?
GENTLE READER: Yes. Possibly.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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