Q. I’m close to both my dad and my bonus dad, and when there is a day like Father’s Day, I feel as if I have to choose. They have never required it and if I said something, they would both feel bad because my family has worked so hard at getting along. It’s still difficult to figure out the logistics of a day like that because it’s not only my relationship with my “dads,” but I have siblings with both my dad and bonus dad and they try to coordinate efforts, as well. All try not to put pressure on me, but it’s not as easy as people think when everyone gets along. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I understand exactly what you are talking about — everyone doing their best not to put pressure on you, but even that is stressful because you can see how much everyone who loves you is trying not to put pressure on you. So, now the decisions of where to be and not hurt anyone’s feelings are all yours instead of someone just saying, “Be at Dad’s at 3.”

This is the reason my bonus family opted for going out to brunch on Mother’s Day and BBQs at the park on Father’s Day. We all did get along after a while (not immediately; it was a journey) and when the kids started getting married, that made Mother’s Day and Father’s Day close to impossible to maneuver. It was sort of like Thanksgiving, trying to fit everyone’s dinner in, which was ridiculous — so we turned Mother’s Day into a brunch and Father’s Day into one huge potluck at a local park.

Celebrating together is not for everyone. Some struggling co-parents resent their child acknowledging a bonus parent on a day like Father’s Day and make it very clear how they feel. Since I believe that parents make the rules and bonus parents uphold them (Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 4), if dad or mom have plans for the day, then they dictate policy.

But just remember, the kids must go back and forth between two homes 364 other days a year. They did not ask for this life, it was designed by their parents. If, after their parents choose to move on, the child forges a relationship with their parent’s new partner, be grateful that there’s a silver lining to their back-and-forth life. If our kids look forward to returning to the other home rather than digging in their heels and saying, “I hate it there!” you’ve all done something right.

Finally, I constantly caution bonus families about celebrating together before they are ready. It may not only be the divorced parents who are not ready; it could be grandparents who are either divorced and don’t get along or are possibly still not over their children’s breakup. This means very clear boundaries must be in place for all who attend, including grandparents and in-laws.

It is also their Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, but that does not mean they are exempt from the "good behavior after divorce or separation" needed to make a combined bonus family work after a breakup. It truly does take a village.

To be successful, all must do their part. That's good ex-etiquette.

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