I got a question recently from a woman asking me whether she should be concerned that the man she just went out with (he’s 57; she’s 51) had previously been in a relationship with a 23-year-old. My response, based on no additional information about either of them, was: It’s unclear.

To be honest, it was less the age gap that raised a red flag for me and more the fact that he felt it appropriate to share (brag about?) this on a first date. Just… why?

Think of it like this: You’re introduced to someone at a party, and by the time you finally manage to excuse yourself from the conversation, you’ve learned everything from the details of their recent breakup to their presidential election pick. Someone once even told me his iPhone passcode! I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

It’s called oversharing, and it’s a bad idea, especially in dating.

Meeting new people can be intimidating, I get it. And that discomfort can lead to a case of TMI in an attempt to keep the conversation flowing. Listing all the reasons why you and your ex didn’t work out might feel like vulnerability or honesty. But it can actually come across as too much, making you seem stuck in the past, uninterested in your date, or even judgmental under the guise of “just being honest.”

A lot of people defend oversharing by saying they want to be upfront about their wants or relationship history (or health struggles… or custody… and the list keeps going). But asking all the “big” questions right away doesn’t actually give you a better sense of the person in front of you. More often, it’s a way to quickly rule someone out for giving the “wrong” answer — and that just shrinks your dating pool unnecessarily.

The point of a first date is simple: see if you have rapport. Does the conversation flow? Do you have things in common? Do you feel comfortable? Of course, it’s natural to be curious about a past relationship, but that’s not something you need to ask about (or share) right away.

And if the topic does come up? Try saying something like, “Although that didn’t work out, I’d rather focus on the present right now,” or “I learned a lot from that experience, and I’d be happy to share more once we get to know each other a bit.” (You can use a similar line if your date starts oversharing. Though if they do, feel free to listen — you’ll learn a lot.)

In a world where Instagram and Facebook constantly remind you that your friends are getting married, having babies and welcoming grandbabies, the pressure to find “the one” can feel intense. That urgency often leads people to treat first dates like an awkward game of 20 questions. But your first meeting should be just that — a first meeting.

So for a first date? Keep it light, fun and positive. If things go well, there’ll be plenty of time to dive into the deeper stuff later.

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