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Dear Eric: After working 50 years, I recently retired. At the same time, the house next door to us was sold to a family with six children, ranging in age from newborn to 10 years old.

We do not have large lots. What was once my backyard oasis (I garden, read, and swim) is now a nightmare. Children literally screaming. I don't know what to do.

The father actually told me to enjoy my quiet summer because it's over. We have worked our entire lives for what we have accomplished, and I feel like it's been ruined in the blink of an eye. Other than moving, what can we do?

– Trouble in the Suburbs

Dear Suburbs: This is a tough pill to swallow because it’s made up of one part acceptance and one part conversation. Most of the time, we don’t have much control over who lives near us. This can turn out great; this can turn out badly; and everything in between.

But frustrating though it may be to have noise coming from next door, it may be helpful to acknowledge that an oasis was never really something that was fully within your power. There was always going to be somebody next door, building toward their own paradise. While your ideal neighbor might have been someone who also enjoyed gardening and other quiet activities, that wasn’t a guarantee.

Acceptance moves you out of frustration and into a place of proactivity. What can you do to bring more peace into the space you’re in now? Fences, hedges, noise machines, and relaxing music can all help.

Conversation will help, as well. Are the neighbors open to a schedule of some sort? If you like to swim and enjoy quiet in the morning, can they agree to a more peaceful backyard until a certain time? Again, there’s no guarantee that they’ll be amenable to it, but it’s worth asking because you do share a space and they don’t automatically get to dictate everything that happens there.

Dear Eric: I am 63, my husband is 65. We consider ourselves "young" for our ages.

The other day I took a quiz that was supposed to determine "biological age" versus chronological age. One question was, "Do you expect more good things to happen to you than bad?" I was surprised and disappointed when he said "No." I asked him why and he said because he was worried about money.

I am self-employed and lost a big client a few months ago that made up over half of my income. I have always been able to find substitute work to replace lost income when necessary. This time it is admittedly taking me longer, I suspect ageism has something to do with it, but I haven't lost confidence in my ability to get it done and it hurts me that he has.

I tried to tell him that this question wasn't just about money, it was about an outlook of optimism and a belief that good things will happen. He simply said he couldn't help it, he just felt like the hole was getting worse.

I don't want to invalidate his feelings or his worries. But the only other time in our relationship that I've felt we were viewing things differently was very early on when we had small children and he felt trapped in a job he hated and honestly, his life. He saw his only way "out" as leaving us. It took years for us to find our way back to each other and merge our past into the new people we became. It's worked wonderfully for the past 13 years but this difference now in our outlook on life has me worried again.

Am I making too much of this? My worry is that it doesn't really address what I see as the problem, or does it?

– Always the Optimist

Dear Optimist: I think you’re correct that the money question and the outlook question may be different. Understandably, his comments are bringing up trauma for you. You want, and should get, reassurance. It may be helpful to say directly, “the way our conversation about money is hitting my ear has me feeling concern that echoes the time when you felt trapped. I don’t think it’s the same, but it would help me to hear you say that and to talk through ways we can stay connected even through stress.”

Separately, you can talk about your finances. You can’t control his worries or his outlook. And some of the outlook may have less to do with the immediate issues and more about life stage. But looking together at the numbers and making contingency plans that take into account many possible scenarios can help reduce anxiety and allow you both to have clearer conversations.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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