Humor
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Don't Make Me Say It
My family came to visit me in Florida recently. Their sole request was to patronize a Tijuana Flats since they don't have one at home in Ohio. No problem! I can put down some tacos and am an enthusiastic T-Flats connoisseur. In fact, the chain is home to my favorite sugary-garlicky-spicy sauce, an all-purpose accoutrement I keep in my fridge. ...Read more
Take Deep, Cleansing Breaths
"Can you tell me what comes with the garlic chicken?" my husband asked our server.
"I can tell you," I said. "Bad breath."
My husband rolled his eyes at me. We were out to dinner at our usual place and decided the chef must have come into a surplus of garlic, because everything on the specials menu featured garlic. Good for garlic lovers. ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Three chairs for Jerry!
As chairman of the bored in my house, a responsibility I take sitting down, I am thrilled to announce that I have a new chair in my office.
My only worry is that, as with all the other chairs I have ever had, I will lose possession of this one to either my wife or — this has actually happened before — a dog.
The stolen seat saga began many...Read more
How To Remake a Political Career in Wrestling
You do not want to lose the wrestling fans, OK? Few folks are so passionately clear-eyed about their heroes and foes. Today's wrestling supporters love to marinate in juicy narratives, foretell plot twists with the acuity of Columbo and sniff out bull from miles away. We all need wrestling fans on our proverbial teams.
And yet, when Florida ...Read more
The Wheels on the Car Go Round and Round
It sounded like a pop, followed by the sound of whooshing air, and then a flap-flapping noise. I knew immediately what it was.
"What's that, Mom?" asked my daughter, looking around the inside of the car for the source of the sound.
"I'm pretty sure that is one of our tires, and it's on its way to being flat," I replied.
I'd barely gotten ...Read more
The 2025 Hurricane Season is All About Vibes, Baby
Storm riders, it's time to begin all rituals that induce good fortune. Knock on wood, harness the energy of the moon and wear the same socks each time a red cyclone appears on a radar.
Those of us in the crosshairs of hurricanes pray to be spared every year, of course. But in 2025, hurricane season takes on a decisive aura of finger-crossing....Read more
I'm in the Mood for Ketchup
I'm not a french fry snob. I'll pretty much eat any kind of french fry, whether it's shoestring, waffle or curly; from a fast food restaurant, a steakhouse or my freezer. Given the choice between a baked potato or french fries, I will always choose the fries, thunder thighs be damned.
There is, in fact, only one thing that stands between me ...Read more
Today's Special Is Influenza
Although some people are uncomfortable going out to a restaurant by themselves, I am perfectly fine with dining alone. Honestly, with the level of pandemonium we used to have in our house, I was always happy to have a quiet meal by myself every once in a while. I don't ask myself to get up and get some more water, I don't typically spill food ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Cone of sloppiness
You scream, I scream, we all scream for …
Beer!
Well, I do when the grandkids aren’t around. But when they are, we all scream for ice cream. My screaming happens when I eat it too fast and get brain freeze, which I would get even if I were marooned on the blistering sands of the Sahara Desert without food, water or a heaping cone of ...Read more
The Realest ID Is the One Left at the Bar
I say this as the biggest procrastinator in the world, a habitual April 14 taxpayer, someone who thinks 10 minutes late is actually on time: Why don't some of you have your Real IDs yet? Rather, how?
Again, I say this with love and Type B fascination. I say this as someone who once looked down at her license in the Boston airport and said, "...Read more
The Feet Flightmare
About five years ago I started having a problem with airplanes. It wasn't a fear of flying or a fear of the plane food or a fear that the person in front of me would recline so much that I would be forced to look up his nose for the duration of the flight.
No, the problem was my feet.
For some reason, suddenly, my body decided that feet and ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: How to be walked by your dog
I may be barking up the wrong tree, but as a human who has been owned by several canines, I am in a good position — standing, running or being yanked in several directions at once — to pass along my expert tips on walking a dog.
Tip No. 1: You do not walk a dog. The dog walks you.
I have been reintroduced to this pet project since Opal, a ...Read more
Mild to Moderate Medical Conditions for the End Times
In my free time, I've been exclusively watching medical shows and making doctor's appointments. No, this is a blast, I swear.
Have you seen "The Pitt"? Best thing on TV right now. "Dying for Sex"? Heartfelt and hilarious. Are you also mired in a cursed rewatch of Season 6 of "Grey's Anatomy"? I'm so sorry, and we will get through this ...Read more
A Shampoo by Any Other Name
"What's in the bag?" I asked my mother as she got into the car. She had just come out of the hair salon and apparently had been talked into buying some hair products.
"New shampoo," she said with some excitement. "My old shampoo was terrible. It really dried out my hair."
"What brand were you using?" I asked. She thought for a moment. She ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Pillow talk
Everyone knows that heat rises. Everyone also knows that I am full of hot air. Therefore, you could say with scientific certainty that I am an airhead.
But you would be wrong. That’s because, according to a respected sleep specialist, my head doesn’t get sufficient air.
That was the alarming finding in a sleep study I can’t fully ...Read more
Get Ready for a Hot Norovirus Summer
Hey, you look a little listless, wan from the drudgeries of dry land. With temperatures heating up and school sprinting to a close, maybe you're contemplating travel. A cruise?
Picture it: Sunshine, SPF, tropical bevvies, over-the-counter antidiarrheal medications, conga lines...
Hmm? Well, my favorite would have to be a classic pina colada....Read more
Playing Chicken With My Dinner
"What do you want for dinner?" I asked my husband.
"How about fish?" he replied.
I shook my head. "I had fish for lunch. How about steak?"
"I'm sick of steak," he said. "How about chicken?"
I nodded. "Chicken it is."
My husband went outside to light the grill while I jumped in the car to go get the food. I had planned to run into the ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Stuck on Post-its
When you get to be my age (old enough to know better), it’s hard to remember things. At least I think so. I can’t remember.
So you’d think modern technology would be helpful, but it isn’t.
There’s artificial intelligence. Let me tell you something: I was born with artificial intelligence. It doesn’t work.
Then there’s the ...Read more
Students Have Been Training for This Their Whole Lives
They were studying for finals and grabbing snacks from the student union on a gossamer spring day. Each flashcard and burrito and blanket on a lawn comprised the unspoken curriculum of life. A crop of new adults becoming who they will be.
And then the thing happened. Let's be honest, the thing they always knew was coming. The thing they've ...Read more
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